Colin Spoelman: Chicken & Cheese

[The only thing better than posting a good entry you’ve just written, is posting a good entry you didn’t actually have to write yourself. To that end, I’ll be occasionally publishing ‘guest columns’ from friends and family looking to take over my ill-deserved soapbox. To start things off, the inimitable Colin Spoelman on so-bad-they’re-good eats:]

When I first moved to New York, my first question was, where can I find good fried chicken tenders smothered in nacho cheese? The truth is, it’s very hard to find this delectable treat. Even harder to find is a place that serves both chicken and cheese and dollar pints of beer. Now I know many of you are wondering… where, in this bitterly overpriced, food-snobbed, culinary landscape could such a place exist? The answer is, at 83rd and Amsterdam: Homer’s Malt Shop.

Homer’s not only serves Chicken and Cheese, but milkshakes, malts, fried twinkies, corn dogs and other wonderful hard-to-find items. If they served Biscuits and White Sausage Gravy, it might be perfect. (This is also nearly impossible to find in Manhattan, and folks, that white, runny dung at Cowgirl Hall of Fame is not it.) It’s a great place to sit, enjoy some deep fried chicken, and then get snooked on Rheingold.

The only downside is that it is usually littered with small children. But, this being the upperwestside, that means hot mothers in designer jeans (anything with “Humanity” “Mankind,” or “Benevolent” in the brandname) and that beautiful, “life is so overwhelming” pout on their face. Or the same face on a hot little au pair from Belarus wearing Old Navy jeans. The children can be stepped around, and it is well worth it for the afternoon drunk. In fact, I find children are far more personable when you approach them with a soaring beer-buzz. The place is not open late, so you if you’re going to get blasted, you better start early in the afternoon.

Perhaps you are thinking to yourself that sounds nasty, I don’t want to eat Nacho Cheese on Chicken. You are wrong, snob. But by way of explanation, I will detail how I came to love this culinary wonder. Growing up in darkest Appalachia, the federal government didn’t provide my high school with a cafeteria. So at lunchtime, we were “turned loose” in downtown Harlan. Which might sound awesome, except that the only places to eat were the drugstore (where the only thing I could afford was a $1.10 grilled cheese–not too filling for a growing boy on a $2 budget) or any one of a number of gas stations. My favorite place was the Kwik Mart, a BP station on the Highway 421 bypass. In order to get a satisfying lunch for two dollars, my friend Nitro and I would order chicken “planks” for $1.65 and then smother them in nacho cheese from the chili-dog cheese well. After two years of eating this everyday, I developed an addiction–an addiction that had left me suffering from crippling withdrawal symptoms, such as compromised mental function, lactose intolerance, and hairloss. But those times are behind me, and they could be behind you, too.

Please go to Homers, displace the children, ogle the nannies, and get drunk. You won’t regret it.

Money Method

Though I’ve previously advocated anal-retentive wallet maintenance, I realize now there’s a dangerous organizational progression possible therein. Particularly, even after a wallet has been pared down to its bare minimal contents, there’s still the question of arranging the bills themselves. While the first few steps make good sense, each further crosses ever deeper into the realm of undeniable OCD. Monitor carefully.

  1. Un-crumpling bills.
  2. Ordering by denomination.
  3. For divided billfolds, placing ones in the front compartment, and larger bills in the back.
  4. Putting all the faces forward.
  5. Ordering within denominations by serial number.
  6. Quickly penciling in ‘extreme makeovers’ for the less comely presidents.

While I respect the intention, it’s simply not in the cards for every president to have a flowing, luxuriant Andrew Jackson pompadour.

Culture Chameleon

While I am, in fact, mostly comprised of Russian and Austria-Hungarian blood, you apparently wouldn’t know it by looking. Warranting a guess, people place my roots all over the globe – France, England, Australia, any number of points throughout Eastern Europe.

And, of course, Ireland. Especially during the summer, when time in the sun combines with my mother’s (and great-grandfather’s) testarossan genes to bring out red highlights, to amber-tint my scruffy beard, people often assume I must have a few O’Malley’s somewhere up my family tree.

So perhaps it should have come as little shock when, on my way out this morning, Bill, our building’s day doorman, pulled me conspiratorially aside. How did I feel, he wanted to know, about everyone taking over our holiday? As a fellow Irishman, was I proud to see St. Patrick’s picked up by the unwashed masses, or dismayed that a fine piece of our heritage had been thoroughly Americanized and altogether watered down?

Not wanting to burst Bill’s bubble, I skirted the question, and said I at least intended to swing by the parade. He scoffed. The parade? The parade? He was sure, he told me, that my clan’s forefathers would far rather I celebrated in true Irish style: heading off to a local pub for live Celtic music and uncounted pints of Guinness.

And while, so far as I know, those clan forefathers don’t actually, in my case, exist, I still wouldn’t want to disappoint. For today, at lest, whatever the facts of my roots, I’ll be playing by plausible appearance alone. Today, I’ll be as Irish as I can. By which I mean, working to live up to my favorite (and technically, only) Gaelic phrase:

“Ta me are meisce” (say “taw may air mesh-keh”) – I am extremely drunk.

Ch-ch-changes

As threatened, I’m pulling together category pages, and generally dealing with the unwieldy mess the back end of this site has become over the years.

I’m also playing around with a new look, mainly because I no longer wanted to look at my own site’s prior design. Plus, ‘everything lower case’ is so 2004.

Good Tip

“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.”
– W. C. Fields

RE 1. What Am I Reading?

[The third chapter of Radical Entrepreneurship, and the last one for this week while I go back to rambling per usual.]

Before we dive into the specifics, letís first take a look at who this book is meant for, the broad areas it covers, and how you can best use it to generate maximum results.

1.1. Should I Read This Book?

Perhaps you have an existing business that youíre looking to kick into hyper-growth. Perhaps youíve been tossing around a great startup idea, but havenít actually launched into it yet. Or perhaps you simply know you want to start a company, but arenít yet sure exactly what that company will be.

In any of those cases, youíll love Radical Entrepreneurship; over several hundred pages, Iíll share with you absolutely everything you need to find ideas, turn those ideas into companies, and then grow those companies extremely quickly and effectively.

At least three other groups of people can benefit from this book as well.

First are the heads of nonprofit organizations, or anyone thinking of starting a nonprofit. Not only do the guerilla tactics I present for building successful companies apply to nonprofits, but the results-driven organizations the tactics create also make fundraising vastly easier ñ donors give money to organizations they believe can really get things done.

Additionally, many of the ideas in this book also apply to people who work for companies rather than start them. An entrepreneurial approach to your job can make you a more effective employee, and can help you reshape your company from the inside ñ two great ways to quickly climb the corporate ladder. Much of the information presented can also make finding a new job much easier, should you want or need to move on from your current post.

Finally, students of business will also benefit greatly from Radical Entrepreneurship. Learning these ideas ñ really learning them ñ then filing them away, will arm you to launch into action when youíre ready. But, just because youíre still in school, donít think you canít get down to business! I sold my first company while a sophomore in college, and sold the second by the time I graduated. And Iíve seen many other students achieve similar business success while in school. Hereís your chance to make ëbecoming a young mogulí your extracurricular activity.

1.2. But Donít Just Read This Book!

A recent study of business book buyers showed that about half of the buyers never actually read the books they bought. Of those that did, fewer than 10% then actually put the information they learned to work in their own companies. In other words, 95% of the people who buy business books are completely wasting their time and money.

I hope thatís not you. Because, while this book makes for reasonably entertaining reading, it only becomes truly valuable when you actually use the contents, when you figure out how to put them to work in starting and growing companies.

To really take advantage of this book, Iíd suggest reading it with a pen and notepad by your side, and using them often. If something makes a lot of sense, spurs specific to-do ideas, or launches you into a fit of brainstorming brilliance, write it down. When youíre done reading, youíll then be ready to jump into action.

Additionally, bundled with this book is a series of chapter-by-chapter checklists that, combined with your own notes, should help you actually put all of the ideas to work, step by step. The checklists may not make much sense until you read the associated chapters, and as most chapters depend on similar and interrelated ideas in other chapters, Iíd recommend you read through the entire book before launching into action.

When youíre ready to implement, you can use the index or table of contents to go back and review specifics things youíd like to think through again.

Finally, a few months down the road, once youíve had a chance to actually try out some of the ideas the book contains, Iíd also recommend re-reading the entire book; at that point, youíll likely pick up all kinds of things you didnít the first time through.

1.3. Telling You What Iíll Be Telling You

As you may have noticed, Radical Entrepreneurship is fairly long. Fortunately, itís also structured rather logically, with each chapter reflecting a major aspect of building a successful company. Hereís a quick overview of what youíll be learning along the way:

Next up, in Chapter 2: Itís Who You Know, I talk about the extreme importance of building a large and active contact network. The chapter covers some of the very best ways to meet people, build relationships with them, and then leverage those relationships throughout the process of building a company.

As the quality of your contacts plays a huge part in determining your effectiveness in every other aspect of starting a company, learning to network well is a great place to start.

In Chapter 3: Whatís the Big Idea?, I cover the logical first step of starting a company: deciding what kind of company youíre going to start. I talk through the different kinds of companies, with some of the advantages and disadvantages of each, before moving on to discuss ways to generate specific company ideas – from combining or improving existing ideas, to generating paradigm-shifting ones from scratch.

In most cases, you canít ñ and shouldnít want to ñ go it alone. So, in Chapter 4: Loading the Bus, I talk about building your team. First and foremost, youíll need to bring in some other executives equally committed to growing your company.

Youíll also want to put together a board of directors, and a board of advisors. And, over time, youíll likely hire in increasing numbers of employees to handle your companyís growth.

Your decisions while building a team can make or break your company, and so Iíll focus particularly on how to recognize and recruit the right people.

After that, in Chapter 5: Getting Down to Business, I walk through the (admittedly, often not terribly exciting) process of laying all the infrastructure groundwork for your new company. From decisions about office space, to building a team of outside service providers (such as lawyers and accountants), itís all here, with lots of guerilla tips for maximizing the benefits gained from each.

Follow the steps in this chapter, and youíll have a real company. Then what?

Ah, yes, that pesky empty bank account. Time for Chapter 6: Show Me the Money, in which Iíll walk you through the full range of financing possibilities, sharing direct experience, and exploring how each financing route has changed post ënew economyí bubble.

Iíll also drill into the process of writing a business plan, explain why most of what youíll find in books on writing business plans is hopelessly outdated or total bullshit, and help you pull together a document that not only helps raise you money, but also clarifies exactly where youíll be taking the business, and how youíll be getting there.

Right. So now youíve got the colleagues, the corporation, and the cash. Nothing left but to get down to actually doing business. Chapter 7: One Foot after Another, shares my tactics for making that happen. Youíll learn about using a top-down, strategy-driven approach to determine what need be done, then delegate and hands-off manage those tasks to completion.

Iíll also talk about the role of honesty and over-communication ñ two things that will make running your company vastly easier (ironically, even more so during rough patches than in smooth ones).

And, finally, I walk through the various stages of company evolution, discussing how compa
nies change as they grow, and how your approach to running them has to change in response.

Excellent. The companyís off to a great start, and growing quickly. But how could it grow even faster? Almost certainly, the limiting factor is the number and quality of your customers. So in Chapter 8: Building the Cause, I talk about the first half of finding customers, the part that involves reaching large numbers of potential customers at once, and is often called marketing, building a brand, or evangelizing. Whatever the name, this is the first step in building and retaining a rabidly loyal customer base.

Since this book is about guerilla tactics, Iíll focus on lot on low- or no-cost approaches in particular that will bring customers beating a path to your door.

Of course, once they knock, it may still take a bit of work to get them to step inside. In Chapter 9: Selling the Dream, I talk through the one-on-one aspects of customer acquisition, the process of getting them to sign on the line that is dotted.

If youíre a natural salesman, youíll take away tips that will hone your game; if you hate the prospect of pushing to close, Iíll also share a number of win-win strategies that will make selling (a key part of any CEOís job) much less painful.

Speaking of the CEOís job, Chapter 10: Itís Good to be the King, goes into greater detail about what that job actually is, before launching into a rather extended laundry list of how to do it more effectively ñ from managing time better and taking control of email, to the ins and outs of business travel and the importance of buying good shoes (really!).

Taken together, all of this should make you as effective as you possibly can be, getting the most done with the least possible time and stress.

That leads me to the sister chapter, Chapter 11: Enjoying the Ride, which delves into the importance of maintaining your sanity (or, what little of it you currently possess) throughout the startup process, by building a rich, balanced and fulfilling life that doesnít entail you sleeping under your desk for the next five years (which, sadly, Iíve seen done),

With all the previous information under your belt, youíll be growing a company that will soon have you, too, on the pages of Forbes and the Wall St. Journal. Then what?

Given my own experience, and what Iíve seen amongst successful entrepreneur friends, youíll be gut-hooked by the absolute fun that building companies can be. And, frankly, the joy is in the starting, the making something from nothing, the cooking from scratch. So, in Chapter 12: Rinse & Repeat, I discuss exit strategies ñ how and when to cash in your chips.

Normally, that takes you back to the very beginning, as you go through all the same steps again in building your next company, though this time with the good judgment gained from your experience, bad judgment, and the words of wisdom in this book.

As my reprinting the first twelve chapters a second time to reflect that fact likely wonít help you much, instead, in Chapter 13: Last Call, Iíll bring things to a close, summarizing all thatís come before, and ñ for good measure ñ throwing in some verse by my most favorite poet, Dr. Seuss.

Thatís pretty much it. Go to it.

RE 0. How to Build a Business

[As promised, the next chapter of Radical Entrepreneurship.]

Ready for the secret? All that it takes to build a company from zero to millions and beyond? Okay, here goes:

1. Start.
2. Keep going.

Thatís it. Seriously. Those two steps are all you need; everything else Iím going to tell you is just detail about one step or the other.

If youíre nodding your head in agreement but getting ready to skip ahead to the good stuff, youíre an idiot. Because anybody can pay lip service to those steps.

Actually doing them, doing them no matter what, is unbelievably hard. Yet thatís what it takes to build wildly successful companies.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Growing a company is long and hard and tiring and difficult and overwhelming. Youíll want to stop at many, many points along the way. Most people do. The way you win is, donít. In the words of Winston Churchill, ìif youíre going through hell, keep going.î

Churchill meant it. Brought in as Oxfordís graduation speaker, he got up on the podium, looked around, said, ìnever, never, never give in,î and sat back down.

Never, never, never give in. Keep going no matter what. Come hell or high water, push the damn company forward one little step at a time. Thatís all it takes to succeed. Really.

0.1. More Keeping Going

Allow me to continue flogging the dead horse of this point, because itís absolutely the most important thing in the entire book: Radical Entrepreneurship is, more than anything else, a commitment to starting a company, and then doing whatever it takes to build that company into a success.

This shouldnít sound like a new idea. If youíve read a handful of biographies of unusually successful people, youíve doubtless noticed that the one thing, the only thing, they all had in common was the ability to keep going no matter what.

Thomas Edisonís journals show that he created more than 10,000 failed lightbulb attempts before making one that worked. Colonel Sanders pitched his chicken recipe to over 200 restaurants before one was willing to go into business with him. The list goes on and on and on.

Here as well, weíre really good at paying lip service. ìOh, absolutely,î we say. ìIíd have done the exact same thing.î But, in reality, when things get tough, we tend to wildly overestimate the amount of ënever say dieí weíre actually putting forth.

Thereís a great story about a guy who attends a Tony Robbins seminar, and complains to Robbins that, despite trying everything, he canít lose weight.

ìYouíve tried everything?î asks Robbins.

ìEverything,î the guy replies.

ìWhat were the last hundred things you tried?î asks Robbins.

ìWell,î the guy admits, ìI havenít actually tried a hundred things.î

ìThen what were the last twenty-five things you did?î asks Robbins.

ìI havenít tried twenty-five things, really, either,î the guy responds.

ìSo how many things have you actually tried?î asks Robbins.

ìWell,î says the guy, sheepishly, ìmaybe five or six.î

At various times, weíre all that guy. I know I am, frequently.

Iíll think to myself, ìjeez, Iíve gone to everybody, and I canít raise this round of financing.î And then Iíll realize that, by ëeverybodyí, I actually mean ëten or fifteen venture capital firmsí. Which leaves more than 3300 venture capitalists I’ve yet to approach. Thatís a lot of rejections to go before I can legitimately say Iíve tried ëeverythingí.

Fortunately, I canít tell you what itís like to get shot down by all 3300, because on even the toughest fundraising rounds, the ones that left me despairing and ready to quit at countless points along the way, we raised funding successfully long before getting that many rejections.

In my experience, thatís almost always the case ñ keeping going usually requires only that you somehow take the few steps beyond where you think you canít possibly take any more.

Still, if it ever came to it while fundraising, Iím absolutely certain I could force myself to work through the entire list of 3300, painful as it might be. If youíre not similarly sure you could make yourself do the same thing if necessary, save yourself some time, close this page, and start looking for a safe job in middle management.

To be a Radical Entrepreneur, you need to commit, one hundred percent, to what youíre about to do: start your company, and keep it going, no matter what.

RE -1. What is Radical Entrepreneurship?

[On the ongoing urging of a number of my friends in the VC and entrepreneurship world, I’ve been slowly pulling together my thoughts on starting and building companies, in book form.

And, seeing that, at my current rate, my grandchildren will be drinking with me at the release party, I’ve decided to take the unorthodox approach of posting the draft here as it comes together, both to spur me on towards completion, and to get the ideas off of my hard drive and into the hands of people who’d actually be able to put them to good use.

I’ll be posting up the first three chapters over the next few days, with the rest to follow intermittently, mixed in amongst the regular inane ramblings that, for reasons I’m still not entirely clear on, seem to draw a sizable readership.

While the book is primarily targeted at current and would-be entrepreneurs, I’m hoping it’s a reasonably entertaining enough read to keep everyone following along. As ever, your feedback and thoughts are most appreciated. So, without further ado, Radical Entrepreneurship, Chapter -1. What is Radical Entrepreneurship?]

The word ëradicalí is an odd one, as it means two wildly different things. Coming from the Latin word for root (radix), it initially referred to the juice in fruits and vegetables, and, by extension, to the very essence, the core substance of things. Then, as the word evolved, ëradicalí took on a second meaning: extreme and unusual.

Given those two opposing definitions, ëradicalí is a great word to apply to the style of entrepreneurship laid out in this book.

On the one hand, Radical Entrepreneurship is about the core tasks of starting up a company, the simple steps, small details, and nitty gritty of actually making a company work.

On the other, because so few people talk about these things, really lay them out in careful detail, some of the ideas presented may initially seem rather unorthodox.

Still, most of the strategies and tactics in this book are of the ëhow did I not already think of that?í variety. I know, because I didnít think of most of them myself, at least when starting my first company. (Or, in come cases, even when starting my second or third or fourthÖ)

Instead, I learned them the hard way, one mistake, and one subsequent climb back to success, at a time. Itís an ugly way to learn, but it works.

Along those lines, thereís a great story about a young man who goes to a very prosperous older man to ask for advice:

ìWhatís the most important thing in life?î the young man asks.

ìGood judgment,î replies the older man.

ìAnd how do I get that?î the young man continues.

ìExperience,î replies the old man.

ìBut how do I get that?î persists the young man.

ìBad judgment,î concludes the old man.

That pretty much sums up this book. The things I present here arenít armchair theories that sound good, or business school textbook truisms; theyíre the things that actually worked for me in building and selling companies, the good judgments I learned through years of bad judgments.

As most of the successful entrepreneurs I know seem to have made many of the same bad judgments, Iím hoping that by reading this book, and by putting the advice it contains into action, you can avoid making those bad judgments yourself.

That way, youíll be free to pioneer new and wildly creative bad judgments instead. Which is basically what entrepreneurship is all about.

categorically

Five or six years ago, the venture fund I was running invested in a company that made content management software. In an early pitch, the execs laid out a number of business-specific uses for their software. And, they said, there was even a consumer application: people could use it to keep what was called a ‘weblog’.

I was unimpressed. A weblog? Apparently, they were sites where people wrote inane posts about their daily lives, about the weird things that interested them, then threw it all online in a chronological pile, hoping that people would read along.

It was the stupidest idea I’d heard in a while, I said. And I meant it.

But, at a subsequent board meeting, I agreed to give the whole ‘blogging’ thing a quick try, just to get a better feel for the software’s interface. I’d do it for a month or two, I figured, then get back to the more important stuff in my life.

At the end of the two months, however, when I stopped posting, I started getting angry emails. People I’d never even met had apparently been reading my site at work, and had quickly developed procrastinatory addictions. “Keep writing!” one reader urged me. “Otherwise, I’ll have to actually start doing work.”

So, despite my initial skepticism, I kept blogging. Even once the company that dragged me into it evolved away from consumer-facing software, I downloaded an early version of Movable Type, and kept writing away.

Since then, though, I’ve tended to have annual crises of confidence. I’ve looked at this habit that I somehow fell into backwards, and questioned why I do it. And, usually, I’ve claimed I would stop blogging, to transition the site towards something more feature-article driven, something that would encourage me to actually edit before posting, something that would allow me to focus in on topics that I’d like to write about, but that don’t seem to flow naturally when I’m simply banging out, day by day, whatever happens to be on my mind.

Sadly, it never lasts. Mainly because, whatever else it does for me, this site is the free equivalent of the therapist’s couch. Oddly enough, there’s something remarkably psychologically soothing about hashing through the things I’m thinking, knowing that people are listening, even if most of them are people I’m never likely to actually meet.

So, this year, rather than threaten wholesale redesign, major change or ground-up rethinking, after spending a few hours last night staring at the ceiling, I’m sailing through this year’s ‘what the hell am I doing this for, and how can I do it better?’ breakdown with only a minor change: I’m going to start categorizing posts.

Yes, I know, that doesn’t seem like much. But, in doing so, I’m hoping it will convince me to pay more attention to those categories I tend to neglect, will cause the volumes of writing to balance out over the different facets of my life.

I’m also hoping that, by lumping the better posts in each category together, it will encourage me to write longer series over time, knowing that people will still be able to easily find earlier, related posts. To that end, for example, I’m thinking of slowly posting up my half-written book on entrepreneurship, a chunk at a time. Certainly, it would do much more good if people read it than if it continues languishing on my hard disk.

So, in short, here’s my current list of what I think I’ve written about in the past, and what I’d like to keep writing about going forward:

Cooking
Culture Consumption (music, book and movie reviews)
Dating
Entrepreneurship
Filmmaking
Fitness
Interviews
Judaism
New York Life
Photography
Productivity
Quotes
Restaurant Reviews
Science & Technology
Style
Toys & Gadgets
Travel
Trumpet
Writing

The list may evolve slightly as I move forward, but I think it’s a fairly broad base. Expect to see category tags on posts and categorical index pages cropping up over the course of the month.

And, as ever, if you have thoughts, feel free to mail ’em in.

oishii

A friend told me recently that he hated his hedge fund job, but that he’d stuck with it for years for one key perk: expensing unnecessarily extravagant business meals.

Unfortunately, running a small company, the money for meals I expense still comes rather directly out of my own pocket. But, as I’d otherwise never pay $300 for sushi for two, I’m always secretly pleased at the chance to dine top-shelf, inevitable check-time indigestion notwithstanding.

This past evening, through the savvy string-pulling help of my uncle, who owns the building it’s housed within, I managed to score sushi bar seats at the recently opened Gari, with only a few hours notice.

Gari, the west-side sibling of venerable Sushi of Gari, extends Masatoshi “Gariî Sugio’s sushi innovation dynasty. Though occasionally poo-pooed by purists, Masa has the last laugh, as he’s built a large and devoted following. Which makes sense, as his sushi concoctions are inevitably, exceedingly good.

From pieces that bend tradition (sesame-marinated yellowtail topped with jalapeÒo reduction) to those that redefine it completely (seared foie gras and daikon radish), his kitchen turns out creative piece after creative piece, with a remarkably high level of consistency, especially given some of the daring and counter-intuitive combinations.

While I wish I could say I’d be going back regularly, the dictates of cost likely prevent it. But, for anyone with a love of sushi and an appreciation of culinary flair, it makes, at least, a special occasion dining destination that’s tough to beat.