Wave Theory

My father is a lung doctor, but his sub-specialty is diving medicine; if you get the bends while Scuba-diving in much of the Pacific, you’ll get medevaced to Stanford so you can see him.  So, while I was growing up, we spent nearly every summer venturing out to various islands, and I spent a large part of my youth floating and swimming in tropical waters.  (Rough, I know.)  Anyway, one of the main things I learned from that, early on, is that you can’t really fight the surf.  If you want to swim to shore, and there’s a decent swell, it’s nearly pointless to paddle while the water is pulling against you.  Instead, to make it in, you need to calmly tread while a wave draws you towards its face, and then paddle like hell as soon as it reaches you, so you can ride the wave’s momentum toward the shore.

And, in a lot of ways, I’ve found that’s how life works, too.  Sometimes, the waves are pulling against you, and you just need to tread.  But that’s also when you’d best get ready, so you can get as much forward motion as possible out of the paddling once the time is right.  It’s a cycle I’ve lived through countless times.  And yet, even so, each time I’m stuck treading, I feel like maybe I’m stuck for good.

In a lot of ways 2018 has been a treading year.  Or, at least, it has been in terms of external productivity.  From an inside perspective, it’s been perhaps the most meaningful year of my life – a chance to take a hard look at myself, and to really figure out who I am and who I want to be.  But what it hasn’t been is a year of doing, a year of making things, or of making things happen, in the broader world.

In the last few days, however, it feels like all of that self-excavation, and a ton of concurrent plan-laying, is now finally coming to its natural conclusion.  It feels like maybe the wave is just starting to pull me up its face.  It feels like 2019 is going be a big year of forward momentum, a year of happily and productively paddling like hell.

Surf’s up.

Steel Trap, Rusted Shut

Recently, Jess has been reading Julia Cameron’s classic The Artist’s Way, and doing the twelve-week program of self-reflection and artistic exploration that it contains.  I had read the book myself, and done the program, back in 2001 or 2002.  But listening to Jess discuss her current experience with it, I realized that I no longer really remembered any of the book, at all.  I knew that I had picked up my longstanding Morning Pages habit from the program – three daily pages of free-write brain-dump journaling (though I’d since given up on the hand-written approach Cameron prescribes, defaulting to 750 typed words daily instead, for the sake of time).  Otherwise, though, not a clue.  So, I started re-reading the book myself.  And, honestly, I haven’t even really felt glimmers of remembrance or recognition; it’s like I’d never even read the book at all.

Recently, I was revising my long-term goals (including creating new 25-year ones that will carry me all the way to 65), and I spent some time thinking about books, along with plays and movies.  I first came up with some ways of trying to keep up with the best of the new releases in the years to come.  But then I decided I should maybe try to pull together a ‘cultural literacy list’ of all the older books and plays and movies that I’d never read but long meant to.  Starting with a slew of critics’ picks, the winners of various awards, and other people’s attempts at the same kind of list-making, I was able to concatenate a list I can then try to chip away at in the years ahead.

The resultant catalog is excellent for soothing the completist, OCD part of my brain: if I can just read and watch my way through, I’ll be ‘done!’  But my experience with The Artist’s Way, and several similar ones of late, has given me pause.  Recent conversations about movies I watched decades back, like Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones, made clear that I now only remember random snippets and iconic scenes, without more than a vague sense of their plots overall.  Or earlier this year, I re-read Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink, and though there I did at least have rough memories of most of the anecdotes, it turned out I remembered only the contours (something with a racially-motivated police shooting in the Bronx?) and almost none of the useful detail or lessons Gladwell drew from them.

All of which is to say, even if I do manage to slog my way through my entire cultural literacy list, I’m not sure that will be much of an achievement.  Instead, I’ll just have to head back to the start, and begin going through it all again, as by then I’m sure I’ll have forgotten pretty much everything from my first pass.

Chestnuts Roasting

When I was in seventh grade, playing in the Jordan Middle School jazz band’s winter concert, I had my very first trumpet solo: eight bars, in the middle of “(Have Yourself a) Merry Little Christmas.”

Last year, a few months into learning to play the piano, December rolled around.  And though I was only about a third of the way through my method book, I paged to the back, and discovered an arrangement of the same song.  It was still well above my level, but, for a week or two, I puzzled it out, one bar at a time.  After which, though still a bit halting and uneven, I could actually play a version roughly good enough to serve as background holiday music in a restaurant or bar.

So, at least for that song, I have a reasonable basis for attachment.  But, despite being Jewish, it turns out I just really love Christmas music in general.  Admittedly, I don’t really have much choice when it comes to holiday listening – the limited array of Chanukah tunes doesn’t really measure up.  And I take some solace in the fact that the large majority of Christmas hits were actually penned by Jewish songwriters.

But, even so, it’s not really my music.  And yet, each year, I feel like it is.  By now, much as twinkle lights (which I also kind of love) feel to me far divorced from any religious origins or undertones, most Christmas music seems to me just sort of free-standing, end-of-year, dark-days-of-winter music.  Which, Jewish or not, seems perfectly fine for me to enjoy.  Or maybe that’s just a rationalization I’m selling myself.  Still, I’m selling it to myself either way.  Because, as I do every December, I’ll be spending the next month playing the grooves off of the Charlie Brown Christmas Album, any number of Canadian Brass albums of carols, and pretty much every cheesy pop Christmas playlist I can find.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, indeed.