A shocking 267 individuals took time out of their ‘busy’ lives to weigh in on this ground-breaking survey. I herein present you the results, sorted within each question by descending order of majority-makes-rightness, and with a bit of commentary on each.

1. Age

20-30 63.8%
30-40 18.8%
40-50 10%
10-20 5%
50-60 2.5%

Astute reader Seanna Davidson (booby-prize winner of the recent Oscar pool) pointed out that I am, in fact, a survey retard. Not only does the age question belong at the end of surveys (as apparently, placed early, such questions lead to a higher rejection rate), but I also managed to include decade ages (20, 30) in two categories apiece.

Still, it seems clear most of my readers are about my own age – either because they’re more apt to identify with my angsty bullshit, or because they’re underemployed enough to have hours to waste surfing the internets.

2. Gender

Female 62.7%
Male 37.3%

The ladies love me. But, of course, we already knew that.

3. While showering, I predominantly face

away from the water. 61.4%
towards the water. 30.1%
Other 8.4%

I fall in the majority on this one, mainly because I have high enough water pressure to garner a free back massage while I space out each morning in the shower.

The vast majority of the ‘others’ were what I’d term ‘spinners’, switching regularly between the two. I secretly suspect such people of mild Multiple Personality Disorder.

One person explained “I always shower with my husband, so I’m usually sideways,” while one wise-ass, apparently unclear on the shower / bath distinction, claimed to “lay down and imagine I’m under a waterfall, face up.”

4. I floss

after brushing. 42.2%
before brushing. 39.8%
Other 18.1%

A bit of Googling yields that dentists themselves are split on this question, though I’m a before flosser, as I always feel like I should brush away any bits and pieces flossing dislodges.

All but one answerer in the 18.1% of ‘other’ were admissions of not flossing at all; or, as one respondent put it, ” I’m English…” Regardless of nationality, these people would be well advised to buy Fixodent preemptively.

5. Before applying toothpaste, I

rinse my toothbrush head in cold water. 62.5%
don’t rinse my toothbrush head. 17.5%
rinse my toothbrush head in hot water. 10%
Other 10%

Most of the ‘other’ responses were ‘rinse after applying toothpaste. But, blinded by my own bathroom habits, I had assumed that everyone would add water after; thus, it seems this area of investigation remains woefully incomplete; I’ll need to expand the line of questioning in future research.

As an aside: one respondent provided the brushing routine of “toothpaste on, smash in toothbrush with tongue, place under cold water, brush”. To whom I say: Smash in toothbrush with tongue? What the fuck is wrong with you?

6. When showering I
wash my hair then my body. 70.9%
wash my body then my hair. 21.5%
Other 7.6%

While this one also showed a strong majority, I’m unsure of why – does shampooing seem more important, thus deserving pole position, or is that, like in washing windows, dirty runoff from above mandates a top-down approach?

Most disturbing, however, was the respondent who supplied the write-in “just hair.” Here’s hoping I never end up having to sit next to this person.

7. A roll of toilet paper should hang with the loose end

coming forward over the top. 83.1%
hanging down off the back. 8.4%
Other 8.2%

This question brought out not only the most lopsided response, but also the most passionate write-ins. While a handful of ‘other’ respondents called the issue ‘not worth the fight this brings on,’ at least three admitted to taking covert action on the issue – as one explained, “I feel so strongly about the ‘rightness’ of TP coming forward over the top that I change it when I visit homes where it is ‘wrong.’ Does anyone else do this?”

Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I do. Or, at least, I have on a few occasions past. I’m somewhat relieved to know that at least I’m part of a toilet paper Jihad, spreading the truth to backwards hangers the world over.

8. Before wiping, I take a length of toilet paper and

crumple it. 43.4%
fold it. 54.2%
Other 2.4%

While this one split nearly down the middle, I remember a discussion of the issue with friends a few years back, where the claim was made that more men are folders, and more women crumplers.

So, in short, lest you think this experiment is winding to an end, the next stop here is for me to figure out SurveyMonkey well enough to break down the results by gender. I’m exceedingly curious to see whether any of these habits are gender-mediated, and will be reporting on the issue in the next couple of days.

9. Comments / topics for further exploration.

It seems this survey touched quite a nerve, considering the quick response roll-in, and the number of people who left additional ideas. Some questions suggested for future exploration:

* Hand-washing – how frequently?
* Hand-washing – rinse before applying soap?
* Wiping – while standing or sitting?
* Wiping – front-to-back or back-to-front?
* Post-shower toweling – in the tub or out of it?
* Toothpaste cap – on or off?
* Soap – bar or liquid (both in shower and at sink)?

And, to close, a last comment, the likes of which makes this all worthwhile:

“I’m glad someone else recognizes the truly important things in life.”

Truly important indeed.